Being Well Carson City: A Social Media Life

I think the irony of the Ashley Madison hacking story is probably what prompted me to write this article about personal privacy. While a large number of people desire to keep their personal activities secret, it is amazing to compare the “small number of Ashley Madison users” to the enormous number of us who appear to be conducting much of our lives openly on the web through Facebook and many other sites.

While the users of Ashley Madison believed that their secrets would remain private, the exact opposite appears to be true of so many Millennials and older adults. Young adults, i.e. 18 to 35, appear to use Facebook to violate their own privacy without giving any real thought or consideration to the impact it has on their daily lives. The privacy violation that I speak of goes far beyond what we have all come to know as “don’t post topless or nude pictures of your party weekend because employers will be looking” stuff. And please note that I am not a hermit and am not condemning any social media. I use social media as well. But, the watchword is DRAMA.

While Facebook and other media is great for sharing the events of our lives, not keeping the sharing limited to those that use the information wisely and without manipulation of the poster or the readers is an invitation that allows for upheaval in our lives. And people who are drawn to or fascinated by drama and gossip cannot resist the temptation.

Somehow, we have come to think that we have to allow access to our Facebook pages and that we cannot cut off people once they are there. The result is often chaos as ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-in-laws, former school mates, ex-co-workers, etc. use the information as a means of manipulation, subterfuge, victimization, and slander among other things.

The result of all of this is of course, that the owner of the Facebook page or other media is confronted with feeling like their life is out of control, anger, hurt, a need to defend themselves and sometimes a desire for retribution which only perpetuates the cycle of DRAMA. When I present to a patient the idea that they don’t have to allow people who misuse their information access to their Facebook page or they don’t have to post to other media, they look stunned! It’s as if personal privacy is a concept they’ve never thought of before and in this age of social media, maybe they have not. But, but, but… is what I often receive followed by “that will just make them madder”. “And?” I ask. “This person is already treating you badly”. “Oh, well, yeah” is often the response.

As the discussion ensues, we talk about personal privacy and limiting access to information on social media. We discuss letting go of old relationships and not continuing to rehash the experience through social media. We talk of treating self with respect by learning from our mistakes and removing ourselves from others’ drama and soon after a sense of calm and greater personal control over one’s life begins to unfold.

The Millennial generation, those of you who are in your late 20s and now 30s are the first generation to have to learn how to set the limits and boundaries in your lives and those of your children with social media that goes far beyond posting inappropriate photographs from the weekend escapade and expecting no one to look. We know Big Brother is looking at and listening to everything we do. And the solution to that goes beyond setting the privacy settings on Facebook or limiting what we post elsewhere. However, the more day to day disruptiveness and intrusiveness comes not from Big Brother, but from the people who are or have been in our lives who no longer need or deserve access to our social media.

In the world before social media, it was easier to distance one’s self from exes and the ex’s friends or even family. Even when children were involved our personal lives were much more our own even though gossip was still prevalent. It was just much less “in your face”. But, with social media, the immediacy of anything we post along with the extent of its circulation is like a Nevada wildfire being fed by 90 mile per hour winds. We can get burned before we even know the match has been lit.

In the case of ex-partners when children are involved we normally want to ensure that the children’s relationships with the ex and grandparents are facilitated and kept alive. But, it is incumbent that the social media relationship that fosters the physical relationship be healthy for all concerned. When it is not, when the information being posted is used to undermine the wellbeing of anyone involved, then it may be time to pull the plug. Feeding the unhealthy behaviors of others simply keeps them alive and growing to create more chaos.

The challenges to creating and living a healthy life, mentally, emotionally and physically abound. Being caught up in a personal social media wildfire because the people who have access to our information online don’t know enough or care enough to use it with respect is unacceptable. And while it may feel very uncomfortable to assert ourselves and cut off friends and even family who misuse our information, the silence of personal privacy rings loud in the peace in our hearts and those of our family.

— Kristopher Komarek, LCSW, of Carson City, specializes in parenting and family issues and child and adolescent development. Questions call 775-400-2996. He can also be reached through the website www.familywellnesscenter.net. He can be reached via email at Kristopher@familywellnesscenter.net.