How To Win Every Argument, Every Time

Several days ago, my dad and I had a conversation. Our conversation started like most other people start theirs. He expressed his thoughts and concerns and I parried back with mine. At the end of the day we were both frustrated with the whole conversation. It was a stalemate. He didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand him. Which seems very familiar with some of the conversations I’ve had with my wife.

How can two people in the same room, speaking the same language, not understand each other? How many conversations like that, have you had?

Then I realized something. Conversationally, we were playing checkers and chess at the same time.

Imagine, you and a friend decide to play a board game. Consider the game board as your conversation, the moves you make are the words you use. The game pieces represent the thoughts, concerns and emotions of each player. You and your friend will play both checkers and chess. How chaotic and confusing do you think this game will be using different rules and objectives? Yet, this is how a majority of people converse and interact with each other every day. Trying to remove the other person’s thoughts, concerns and emotions, while at the same time trying to advance their own. In the end, one or both parties may feel exhausted and emotionally drained. How long do you think this kind of relationship will last? Not very long.

Let me explain. Each game can be played on the same board, with the pieces fitting neatly on the black and red squares. However, each game has specific objectives and outcomes.

Checkers is a very selfish game. The objective in checkers is to use techniques to manipulate your opponent to make a predetermined move, and then exploit and “jump” your opponent when they make that move. Each player tries to remove all the opponents pieces form the board, while at the same time trying to get their own pieces to the other side. The outcome of this game… is when the victor is crowned as “King” by the loser. One person is elated and exalted while the other feels dejected and worthless. Because of the inherent objectives of checkers, it is a short game lasting no more than 15 minutes.

Chess on the other hand, is more strategic and methodical. Although each player wants to win the game, the objectives in accomplishing the win are very different. It is not necessary to remove all the opponent’s pieces, but to advance to the other side with one piece. More emphasis is placed on what the opponent is thinking. How will they move? How will that move affect the next move and the one after that? This is done until one of the players declares “Check”. At which point the player in “check,” will reconsider their positions and their opponent’s positions. Then, with great thought and care, move accordingly. Because of the objectives, a single game of chess can be played over the time span of many hours, months and even years, until one of the players declares “Check Mate”.

When you model your conversations and interactions to chess, you’ll view the other person as a friend, not as an opponent. You will seek to understand them before you make your first move. You think deeply about their thoughts, their concerns and their emotions. You will consider their next move and the one after that. If you adapt this conversational style, then, when you interact with your spouse, your children, your co-workers, prospective clients or prospective spouse, they will begin to open up to you. They in turn will seek to understand you, reinforcing your relationship.

There’s more to be said on this subject. But you can start with this simple rule of thumb. If the conversation is superficial, such as the weather or sports, play checkers. If the conversation is important and will be important again tomorrow and the day after that, play Chess. Ask the other person what game they would like to play, you’ll be surprised how much they desire to play Chess.

Steven R. Covey, author of “The 7 habits of highly effective people” wrote the following;
…”Reading, writing, speaking and listening are the four basic types of communication. Think of all the hours you spend doing at least one of these four activities. The ability to do them well is absolutely critical to your effectiveness… [to build relationships]. The emphasis is mine.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a stalemate to break.

ABOUT GREG LOPEZ
Greg Lopez is the Vice-President of Membership and Public Relations for the Kit Carson Toastmasters Club. Toastmasters International is an organization dedicated to the education and self-improvement of interpersonal communication skills. The Kit Carson Toastmasters meet every Tuesday at 6:30 a.m. at Grandma Hattie’s Restaurant, 2811 S. Carson St. Carson City, NV. Greg would like to invite you to be his guest. Experience how others improve their speaking and listening skills in an atmosphere of fellowship and fun. Learn how the benefits of becoming a member will enhance your career, strengthen your family life and improve your networking abilities.