What Works: Out with it! Why direct communication is important

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to say something, but you didn’t know how? What does that feel like in your body? Does it feel like a headache, pressing on your chest, or a pit in your stomach? Stating your truth is uncomfortable. But it’s also necessary in order to have authentic relationships with others.

This is true whether that “other” is a coworker, boss, friend or even an acquaintance.

As humans, we are wired to avoid discomfort.

Discomfort = predecessor to death in the early times. So, it’s not surprising that our DNA hard wires us to seek more pleasurable experiences. However, when this bleeds over into our communication, we might accidentally cause more discomfort by not communicating at all. Or, worse, half communicating.

How do you communicate directly without being confrontational?

Whether you are a leader of a team, or a parent who needs to have a sensitive conversation with your kids, those body sensations are real. Here’s how to work through your feelings about communicating so you can actually communicate.

Recognize what your body is telling you. If you have a headache, you are likely thinking a lot about the outcome of your situation. If your chest feels tight, you are emotionally tied to the situation. If your stomach feels sick, there’s something at the core of the issue that is causing you anxiety. Listen to what your body is telling you about your discomfort with communicating. Your body is incapable of lying.

Breathe. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times. Try not to move your shoulders when you do this. Fill your belly up with air like a balloon and deflate the balloon. This calming breathe will center you and help alleviate some anxiety.

Get real with yourself. This is what I like to call a CrappertunityTM moment. You have to come into awareness with WHY this conversation is stressful? Do you fear loss? Maybe rejection? What’s real about this? You can journal about this before the conversation if you want to. By getting it out on paper, you take the power out of your brain and put it in your heart. You let the chatter know its heard versus just passing it over.

Be nice to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up by running over possible outcomes over and over in your head. Be kind to yourself by telling yourself that you are not less than nor better than the person you are having the conversation with. You are just two humans coming on to common ground.

Set a time and tone for the conversation. If the conversation is sensitive, you might want to schedule it by saying. “I would like to ask you a question about ________________, when would be a good time to do that?” Sometimes the answer is now. You can also say, “I have a question about ________________ would now be a good time to ask it?” You have done your prep work. Setting the time and tone helps the conversation be conversational versus confrontational.

Ask the question. Make this question about you and not about them. Also, make it about your observations and feelings.

Format:

Checking for truth.
When you _____________________________, I felt _____________________________ and I imagined ______________________________. Is that true?

Checking for permission/input.
I noticed _________________________, I felt _________________________________. Do you feel the same way? I imagine __________________________________ would be beneficial. What do you think?

Asking the question opens the door for a two-way dialogue. You get to know what the other person’s perspective is and have a real, valuable conversation. You might also find out that you and this other person were on the same page all along.
May your conversations be honest, open, transparent, and valuable in all ways. I am open to help in the comments below or you may message me on the What Works Coaching Facebook page. The floor is yours, Carson City.
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Motivation Monday returns to Adams Hub for Innovation. Email grow@adamshub.com to schedule two free 30-minute sessions or one free hour.

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What Works Coaching
Diane Dye Hansen is the Chief Inspiration Officer of What Works Coaching, an individual and organizational coaching and consulting firm based in Carson City, Nevada. She has 20 years of experience working with top corporations, growing businesses, motivated entrepreneurs, and individuals hungry for a fresh start. She is also the creator of DOCS Theory, also known as The Theory of CrappertunityTM, a mindset and change theory which defines the moment crisis creates more opportunity than would have existed without the crisis.

Diane holds a Bachelor’s in Business Administration and Marketing from Cal State San Bernardino and a Masters in Communication Management from the University of Southern California. She is also the Chief Executive Officer of What Works Recruitment, a company which specializes in filling hard-to-fill positions and fitting talent with culture. Her column appears every Monday, and sometimes Tuesday, in Carson Now.