Opinion

Perhaps not unlike you, I never took a hankering to algebra. In fact, I was told by an upperclassman that were I to live to be 100, I would never use it. But I did. When I wanted to know how many miles-per-hour I would have to run to finish the Boston Marathon in under three hours I used an algebraic equation to figure it out, 180 minutes/26 miles = X/1. By solving for X, I was able finish that race in under three hours, barely.

A very savvy businessman and longstanding pal, Dinger, suggested to me that I write about what I know about. For 24 years I have been writing about what I think about, yet the one thing I do know about, and perhaps the only thing I know about, is Mark Twain.

Dear Rep Amodei,
Your last few emails have become even more concerning for the people of CD2.
First, HR 4365. You actually signed off on this? President Biden has already stated he's going to VETO this bill, so why waste everyone's time? You have gone along with several cuts that have folks scratching their heads and asking “why?”

I was delighted recently to receive a video of my 13-year-old granddaughter, Avery, executing a floor routine in a gymnastics meet, culminating in a full layout back-somersault that dropped my jaw.

My father was a gymnast, and I was a springboard diver, yet neither of us could ever have imagined executing a full-layout back-somersault on the ground.

I arrived at the Carson City DMV yesterday to check in for my 11:45 appointment to renew my drivers license. After going through the line to check in I was told to take a seat and wait for my number to be called. The office wasn't any more crowded than on any other day I'd been there.

Many small business owners breathed a sigh of relief when Nancy Pelosi gave up the gavel as Speaker of the House. No more crazy laws attacking liberties. BUT WAIT! She passed a sleeper. Once of the first new Biden laws.

How much longer can Mother Earth sustain us? That is the question. Science forewarns us that our present rate of burning fossil fuels will soon elevate Earth’s temperature to above what we humans can tolerate, and we will be, toast.

A young son is watching the TV news with his father. “Dad, how come all their houses are broken?”

What catnip is to cats, and frisbees are to dogs, inadvertent escalation is to men who are well armed, and it seems most everybody these days is well armed. I was once well armed myself, landing in Vietnam in the Marine Corps, armed with a .45, with which I could not hit an outhouse from the inside. Still, I was feeling pretty cocky.

It's no secret that the streets in Carson City need are in dire need of maintenance. It's been a longstanding issue for decades without any real solutions. Various politicians have floated ideas ranging from waiting for the federal government to provide funds to imposing new taxes. The most recent effort is of the latter.

Most friends who have visited Layne Haven over the past six years have met my pet Jay, Huckleberry. He stops by three times a day, 8 a.m. for breakfast, noon for lunch, and 5 p.m. for Happy Hour, when he gets a Beer Nut.

Huckleberry and Jim had many a grand adventure aboard their raft, adventures that we can read all about in Mark Twain’s iconic book, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But who would ever guess a Missouri man, Steve Kueny, could grow a 1,280-pound pumpkin, hollow it out, climb inside, and float 39 miles down the Missouri River inside a pumpkin he just happened to name, “Huckle Berry.”

I’m deathly afraid of bedbugs myself, and even turned down a chance to compete in the 1964 Olympic Games because I could not face the possibility of a bedbug nibbling on my toenails in Tokyo on the night before the diving finals.

The first thing I did on my first day of retirement was to toss my Mickey Mouse alarm clock out the window. Then I started pricing marimba’s, as I have a latent desire to make some music. Also I’m looking for books to learn Spanish because it is a beautiful language and I want to get closer to some of my interesting neighbors.

Some of us are not as wise as others, and some are not as old as others, but all of us can agree that killing each other to solve our problems is out of date.

Not that long ago we could grab an adversary by the beard and slap some sense into him, but that problem solver is outdated today when we can simply blow him up with a drone along with his immediate family and any neighbors who might casually know him.

On the 30th of September, trembling like an Aspen in Autumn, I stepped onto the stage at Piper’s Opera House in front of a packed Virginia City house. What in tarnation was I about to say? I had two hours of information to cram into 90 minutes, some things had to go, but what? I can’t remember now what I decided, but our trusted friends at PBS Reno will air a portion of it on Oct. 15.

A friend sent me a video entitled, “Nothing but Smiles,” and it was so chockfull of smiles that it brought a tear to my eye. So I thought I might try to recount it here with words that could never do the video justice, but still might bring you, the gentle reader, a smile.

Dear Representative Amodei,
When the Republicans took control of the House this past January, your GOP colleagues decided that one of their first orders of business was to remove Representative Ilhan Omar, MN CD5, from her committee assignments.
The removal from her committee assignments, possibly because she is a Muslim woman who is the first naturalized citizen of African birth to serve in Congress, as stated, was because of past comments she made taken to be anti-semitic.

One of the chief joys in my life is to go fly fishing with my Marine Corps buddy, Marlboro Man. Craig Fellin runs a successful Montana outfitters resort, the Big Hole Lodge, with his son, Wade.

Craig will walk the banks of the Wise on the day before we arrive and kick over logs to see what’s hatching. Once we arrive, we get to watch him tie a fly, perhaps a Wooly Bugger, that no self-respecting trout can refuse.

Continuing from last week, over the years I’ve contented myself in collecting poignant quotes that I thought might shed some light upon a long and winding road toward old age.

Over the years I’ve contented myself by collecting poignant quotes that I thought might shed some light upon a long and winding road toward old age. Today I opened that file and was astonished to discover it had grown to 30 pages in length. So I thought for fun I might like to select my 10 favorite non-Twainian quotes, and share them with you here in this fine family journal.

During a recent interview I was asked about my impending retirement from 35 years of pretending to be Mark Twain and was probed about embarrassing moments. That was propitious, as I had just experienced two embarrassing moments in the same day, which was above my average. I was to speak to a room full of California sign language folks at Harvey’s, at least I thought that’s who I was going to be seeing.

An Open Letter to Lyon County Republican Leadership:
As Lyon County Democrats, we get it. You are currently the majority party in a sparsely populated county in northern Nevada, and obviously proud of your ability to channel support for former president Donald J. Trump.

After all, Republicans in Lyon County claim the distinction of having renamed the justice center in Yerington after a man who is now facing multiple state and federal charges for election tampering. The irony of the Donald J. Trump Justice Center can’t be understated, so congratulations on that victory.

The intrepid Kathy Collins, who has always been Maui personified, recommended “The Hawaii Community Foundation Maui Strong Fund,” for much needed Maui relief. So with a lump in my throat, and a heavy heart for Lahaina I sent my heartfelt support.

Kathryn Kelly, founder and executive director of Carson City’s I-School, brought a Russian family by for An Evening with Mark Twain, and I fell in love with them.

So the following morning, hoping Nikolai might be willing to translate into Russian, I penned letters to Presidents Putin and Zelensky asking for an audience, and yes, Nikolai is in fact translating as we speak. I thought too, I had better check in with the DOJ and State Department to be sure I’m following protocol, should I actually receive that invitation.

Like you, I’ve always thought the world of hospice folks. Though my high regard was boosted higher yet when I received an email from a cousin of mine whose birthday it was yesterday.

I had sent her customary well wishes and was eagerly opening her reply when her
words sent my heart leaping into my throat.

I’m practicing sleeping on a futon in anticipation of my high school sweetheart visiting with two of her lady friends. Well, I slept in the ground for a year in Vietnam while in the Marine Corps, so my futon is like a DreamCloud Mattress by comparison.

Dear Douglas County School Board & Superintendent Lewis:
I am a parent of two DCSD students (one current, one graduated last year). I read that you are holding a special meeting on Wednesday July 19th to discuss the firing of the district’s current legal counsel and hiring of Joey Gilberts firm. Unfortunately, I will be out of town during this meeting, and cannot give my statement during public comment. So I would like this letter to be read into the record during public comment if at all possible please.

Just prior to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine there was a movement afoot to erect a statue of Mark Twain in Odessa. But why, you might want to ask as I did. Well, the short answer is, “To promote goodwill and tourism.” Isn’t it a twist of fate that what we are sending them today is cluster munitions to protect themselves.

Some years ago I was invited to participate in a Chautauqua out in Warrensburg, Missouri, alongside Harry Truman and George Washington Carver. We had a grand time of it, and enjoyed each other’s company ever more when we were off duty. In our Warrensburg wanderings I happened to notice a statue of a dog, a hound dog named, “Old Drum.” I thought it quaint to have a statue of a hunting dog in the town square, and attributed it to the soft hearts of the good citizens of Warrensburg. They even sent me home with a pin of Old Drum, dated 1870.