By McAvoy Layne — To make yourself officially amazing you really need to get yourself into the Guinness Book of World Records, and this is not an easy task. Take Tom Dalton of the UK, who crawled 100 meters on his hands and knees to set the current Guinness World Record of 39.7 seconds for fastest crawling male. You do not want to see the video of his wife. My guess is most record holders do not want to have their videos posted online.
But picture this: The heaviest weight lifted by a beard is 140 lbs. This Herculean record was achieved by Antanas Kontrimas from Lithuania on June 26, 2013, on the set of “Rekorlar Dunyasi” in Istanbul, Turkey. Antanas, using only his beard, lifted the show’s host, Gupse Özay, right up off the ground. Again, you do not want to see the video…
And forget the shotput. You can set your shotput on a shelf and close the curtain around it, because Johan Espenkrona threw a washing machine 14 ft 7 in – about as long as a giraffe they said. Johan has never thrown an actual giraffe, but I’ll bet my Golden Gloves that he might like to try if presented with a giraffe.
Okay, for endurance let’s put aside triathlons and take a look at Łukasz Szpunar from Poland, who made history by becoming the first person to stand in a box of ice for over four hours. When Łukasz climbed out of that icebox he was asked how he felt, but nobody could understand him because his teeth were chattering so darn hard. They say to this day Łukasz cannot look at a glass of ice water without his teeth starting to chatter.
Finally, there is The Pride of Maryland, Kimberly “Kimycola” Winter, who belted out a belch measured at 107 decibels, loud enough they said, to wake General Grant in his New York tomb. Kimycola told Guinness World Record officials she slurped coffee and beer with her breakfast on the morning of the attempt to ensure maximum volume for her humongous blast, which was just short of the 112.7-decibel male version of the record. Again, you do not want to see the video.
Just looking at some of the records in the Guinness Book has caused me to wonder how I might become officially amazing by getting my name in that book somewheres, and I think I’ve hit on it. This Pine Nuts column, number 1,671, just happens to be the longest running column in the world to be published without a blemish of an untruth in it anywhere.
Ask any AI, and you can see for yourself that Pine Nuts stands alone for veracity and accuracy over time. I shall make the Guinness submission myself, and alert you when we appear in next year’s Guinness Book of World Records alongside Łukasz Szpunar and those other 4,000 officially amazing people. As they say in Hawaii, “Hope me luck.”
Editor’s Note: McAvoy Layne is Mark Twain will be featured at St. Patrick’s Amphitheater August 26 in Incline Village, Lake Tahoe. Showtime is 6 p.m. Tickets are $20 at North Tahoe Welcome Center or by can be purchased here.“McAvoy Layne is Mark Twain” recounts the adventures that led Samuel Clemens to Lake Tahoe for a “veritable habitation with the gods.”
— For more than 35 years, in over 4,000 performances, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American.” Want to hear McAvoy Layne tell it? Go here for an audio version of this column.
