Opinion

Some of us are not as wise as others, and some are not as old as others, but all of us can agree that killing each other to solve our problems is out of date.

Not that long ago we could grab an adversary by the beard and slap some sense into him, but that problem solver is outdated today when we can simply blow him up with a drone along with his immediate family and any neighbors who might casually know him.

On the 30th of September, trembling like an Aspen in Autumn, I stepped onto the stage at Piper’s Opera House in front of a packed Virginia City house. What in tarnation was I about to say? I had two hours of information to cram into 90 minutes, some things had to go, but what? I can’t remember now what I decided, but our trusted friends at PBS Reno will air a portion of it on Oct. 15.

A friend sent me a video entitled, “Nothing but Smiles,” and it was so chockfull of smiles that it brought a tear to my eye. So I thought I might try to recount it here with words that could never do the video justice, but still might bring you, the gentle reader, a smile.

Dear Representative Amodei,
When the Republicans took control of the House this past January, your GOP colleagues decided that one of their first orders of business was to remove Representative Ilhan Omar, MN CD5, from her committee assignments.
The removal from her committee assignments, possibly because she is a Muslim woman who is the first naturalized citizen of African birth to serve in Congress, as stated, was because of past comments she made taken to be anti-semitic.

One of the chief joys in my life is to go fly fishing with my Marine Corps buddy, Marlboro Man. Craig Fellin runs a successful Montana outfitters resort, the Big Hole Lodge, with his son, Wade.

Craig will walk the banks of the Wise on the day before we arrive and kick over logs to see what’s hatching. Once we arrive, we get to watch him tie a fly, perhaps a Wooly Bugger, that no self-respecting trout can refuse.

Continuing from last week, over the years I’ve contented myself in collecting poignant quotes that I thought might shed some light upon a long and winding road toward old age.

Over the years I’ve contented myself by collecting poignant quotes that I thought might shed some light upon a long and winding road toward old age. Today I opened that file and was astonished to discover it had grown to 30 pages in length. So I thought for fun I might like to select my 10 favorite non-Twainian quotes, and share them with you here in this fine family journal.

During a recent interview I was asked about my impending retirement from 35 years of pretending to be Mark Twain and was probed about embarrassing moments. That was propitious, as I had just experienced two embarrassing moments in the same day, which was above my average. I was to speak to a room full of California sign language folks at Harvey’s, at least I thought that’s who I was going to be seeing.

An Open Letter to Lyon County Republican Leadership:
As Lyon County Democrats, we get it. You are currently the majority party in a sparsely populated county in northern Nevada, and obviously proud of your ability to channel support for former president Donald J. Trump.

After all, Republicans in Lyon County claim the distinction of having renamed the justice center in Yerington after a man who is now facing multiple state and federal charges for election tampering. The irony of the Donald J. Trump Justice Center can’t be understated, so congratulations on that victory.

The intrepid Kathy Collins, who has always been Maui personified, recommended “The Hawaii Community Foundation Maui Strong Fund,” for much needed Maui relief. So with a lump in my throat, and a heavy heart for Lahaina I sent my heartfelt support.

Kathryn Kelly, founder and executive director of Carson City’s I-School, brought a Russian family by for An Evening with Mark Twain, and I fell in love with them.

So the following morning, hoping Nikolai might be willing to translate into Russian, I penned letters to Presidents Putin and Zelensky asking for an audience, and yes, Nikolai is in fact translating as we speak. I thought too, I had better check in with the DOJ and State Department to be sure I’m following protocol, should I actually receive that invitation.

Like you, I’ve always thought the world of hospice folks. Though my high regard was boosted higher yet when I received an email from a cousin of mine whose birthday it was yesterday.

I had sent her customary well wishes and was eagerly opening her reply when her
words sent my heart leaping into my throat.

I’m practicing sleeping on a futon in anticipation of my high school sweetheart visiting with two of her lady friends. Well, I slept in the ground for a year in Vietnam while in the Marine Corps, so my futon is like a DreamCloud Mattress by comparison.

Dear Douglas County School Board & Superintendent Lewis:
I am a parent of two DCSD students (one current, one graduated last year). I read that you are holding a special meeting on Wednesday July 19th to discuss the firing of the district’s current legal counsel and hiring of Joey Gilberts firm. Unfortunately, I will be out of town during this meeting, and cannot give my statement during public comment. So I would like this letter to be read into the record during public comment if at all possible please.

Just prior to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine there was a movement afoot to erect a statue of Mark Twain in Odessa. But why, you might want to ask as I did. Well, the short answer is, “To promote goodwill and tourism.” Isn’t it a twist of fate that what we are sending them today is cluster munitions to protect themselves.

Some years ago I was invited to participate in a Chautauqua out in Warrensburg, Missouri, alongside Harry Truman and George Washington Carver. We had a grand time of it, and enjoyed each other’s company ever more when we were off duty. In our Warrensburg wanderings I happened to notice a statue of a dog, a hound dog named, “Old Drum.” I thought it quaint to have a statue of a hunting dog in the town square, and attributed it to the soft hearts of the good citizens of Warrensburg. They even sent me home with a pin of Old Drum, dated 1870.

Happy Birthday from a grateful immigrant.

Did you know that America was the first Constitutional Democracy in the history of the world? Since then twenty five more nations have joined our form of government. If you would learn like I did use this free resource to honor your new home and come to realize like I did that America is a Blessed singular nation among all the nations of the Earth.

Having been born in Providence Hospital, and having been one lucky person all my Providential life, I thought I should take a little time travel and visit that lucky place of concurrence. So I booked a flight for Washington, D.C.

Hey, Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s name was Marion Moon and as there are no coincidences, I determined to visit the birthplace of my good fortune, Providence Hospital.

What single word best describes America?

Being a former USFS employee of the Carson Ranger District and the timber crew supervisor in the 1980s, im appalled at the lack of timber management going on in this district.

Not even salvage cutting is being done in the huge fire of two years ago that burned a good part of Alpine county and Markleeville areas. All that timber has been left to rot on the stem and will soon be falling creating fuels for the next burn down the road.

A message to my fellow menfolk: Shun the fireworks. Everybody knows all the bodies exhumed from Pompeii were men. When Vesuvius erupted the women fled, while the men gathered together in the courtyard to watch the eruption, and place bets on how long it would last.

I love to catch commencement speeches when I can, for oftentimes they hold as much value as the degrees themselves. I’ve delivered a few clunkers myself that were forgettable, and I regret getting those kids off on the wrong foot.

Away back in 1961, the SAE Fraternity at the University of Oregon held a House Dance in a barn out in Creswell, thirteen miles south of Eugene. I got there early with a date I had met that afternoon, hoping she might teach me how to dance before the party started, Peggy was her name.

I am writing to let people know what is happening in the Lyon County School District. I attended the Lyon County Board meeting on May 23 in Fernley. Unfortunately, there were very few parents there, mostly grandparents or concerned citizens. This has been an issue since I have been going to these meetings starting in August of 2021. Where are the parents? Are they not willing to go and find out what THEIR kids are learning?? Very sad indeed.

Saturday afternoon I had the time of my life at the Odeon Hall in Dayton, Nevada. I got to present Mark Twain on the very stage where Samuel held forth 157 years ago, away back in 1866. He was fresh from the Hawaiian Islands and his public talk would have been full of fun from his, “Letters from the Sandwich Islands.” So of course we took a step back in time to savor a few of those timeless sentiments.

Today’s national news features America’s Ambassador to China, Robert Nicholas Burns, he who speaks French, Arabic, and Greek as well as English, addressing mounting tensions with China. Of course, a little voice deep inside me shouted, “Hey, hey, this connects to Mark Twain!”

The Victims of Crime Assistance (VOCA) Fund provides direct funding to victim-survivors of domestic and sexual violence (and other violent crimes) for things like mental health counseling, wage or income loss, and emergency shelter and relocation costs, to name a few of its benefits.

People sometimes ask, “How have things changed for Mark Twain in the past 35 years?” (For the first-time reader I’m winding down a career of portraying Mark Twain for the past 35 years.) And I am happy to report, one thing has changed dramatically, and it is in fact, a pleasant thing.

I have never had so much fun in a white suit. Carson City’s Inaugural Mark Twain Days banged anything I ever struck, and it’s thanks to one lady. Debra Soule, Arts & Culture Programs Manager, had the vision. Good managers manage. Great managers inspire, and Debra inspired a stellar staff, along with an army of volunteers, to stage perhaps the best Mark Twain extravaganza the world has ever seen.

If we are what we eat, well, today we can become a previously extinct prehistoric animal that nobody has seen for thousands of years. Yes the Aussies have created a humongous meatball made entirely of wooly mammoth meat grown in a laboratory.