Pine Nuts with McAvoy Layne: Coming soon, the COVID tell-all book
Submitted by Jeff Munson on Mon, 07/27/2020 - 10:25am
Hello, if I may introduce myself, my name is Ovi, I'm a Covid virus who has learned English and am about to publish a tell-all book about my life as a Covid virus who has gone to the other side. Humans think we don't have brains, but we do. We disguise our brains as effluent, and with the help of 20-200 vision, we can spot a impaired immune system from across a crowded room.
Just yesterday I was waiting for a ride, when sure enough, my host, who will go unnamed, and who was not wearing a mask, sneezed and blew me directly into the path of a fellow, who will also go unnamed, who happened to be riding an electric bike, going way too fast to be safe I might add.
Well, it was no trouble at all for me to make a soft landing on that biker's nose and lay in wait until he rubbed his nose, which didn't take long, and I was able to climb inside for a ride down into his lungs, where I made myself comfortable. But this guy was in great shape; his lungs were like the bellows on a Virginia City church organ, and there was absolutely nothing for me to hang onto.
Well, I knew this was no place for Ovi to reproduce, so I caught a cough out of there and was jettisoned through the open window of a passing Oldsmobile, where as good fortune would have it, two ladies were talking in the backseat, sans masks. My lucky day!
The only problem with two ladies talking without masks is just when you think one is done and the other is about to haul-in the slack, you go to the wrong lady and are marooned out there on her nose with nothing to do for hours on end while the first lady recites the Gettysburg Address. It gets so boring sometimes, well, it's enough to make you want to switch sides and tell it like it is, and that's exactly what I'm doing with this book of mine, due out tomorrow.
The Covid virus secret to success, and I'm going to get whacked for telling you this, is "density of population," and, "density of population."
Masks will be our undoing even without a vaccine, and that, politics aside, is the unvarnished truth with the spikes left on it.
My tell-all book will be out tomorrow, did I mention that? And the price is right, 50 cents, but I must caution you, the print is small. You might need a 1000X Power microscope to read it. It's called, Ovi Goes Rogue, and will be available at most bars and beaches upon request, Copyright 2020, all rights reserved.
— For more than 30 years, in over 4,000 performances, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American.”
