Pine Nuts with McAvoy Layne: How to take out your own stitches, or not
To begin, I sometimes speak up when a little voice deep down inside is shouting, “Don’t do it!” That happened at the VA last month when they were telling me when to return to have my stitches out. I told them I had a semester of pre-med and could take out my own stitches. I heard a janitor in the back of the room laugh, but a capable nurse handed me a bundle of tools, placed her caring hand on my shoulder, and sent me home.
Well, I went right to work making preparations. I bought a new pair of eyeglasses, arranged for the very best lighting, found a magnifying glass that might be helpful, and laid out the tools of my new trade.
Now, they did not teach me, in my one semester of pre-med, how to remove sutures, but that omission did not deter me from volunteering to tackle the procedure myself. I mean, how hard could it be? It must be exactly like untying your shoes. In fact, I practiced untying my shoes with my surgical tools. But I shall pause just here, as I will embark upon my maiden voyage tomorrow, and shall have actual experience to draw upon.
Day One: Dang, these knots are sooo dang small! And you have to get under them to cut them loose. Once upon a time I had good enough hand-eye coordination to milk a cow, even if she did look around at me, as if to ask, “What are you doing back there?” But removing my own stitches might be too many for me.
What I might need is a plan B. I have a daughter-in-law who is a gifted nurse, but she is in Italy. I can’t go back to the VA, because I can’t face that janitor who laughed out loud when I said I could take out my own stitches. So what happens if I leave the stitches in? Will they eventually dissolve, or do I get to look like I have a zipper on my forehead the rest of my natural life?
Maybe my college counselor was right when she advised me to change my major from pre-med to auctioneer or carny-barker. Well, I’m not giving up quite yet. I have successfully removed five stitches and have fifteen to go. Let’s see what tomorrow holds, because right now I need a straight shot of Old Sam Spiced Gin — Hand Crafted in Goldfield, Nevada for just such an occasion.
Day Two: I wish my mother were still alive. I did successfully remove ten stitches. The remaining ten look like a parade of ants out for a nature hike on a picnic table, but my mother would still love me. Well, so much for my venture in medicine. I shall close here with renewed respect and appreciation for the capable doctors and nurses at our amazing VA. Thank you!
Dr. McAvoy Layne, Retired
— For more than 30 years, in over 4,000 performances, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American." Go here to listen to this and other McAvoy Layne columns.