Opinion

McAvoy Layne is a good impersonator of my pen name except for the lack of humor, wit and satire. His attempts at writing the Pine Nuts columns that are mistakenly placed as Opinions rather than under his own column that should be named Lame Layne's attempts at both humor and wit. Though I do acknowledge his status as the Official Mark Twain impersonator Nit Wit.

Is Disneyland really the happiest place on Earth? No, actually, for the sixth year in a row it happens to be Finland. While Mickey and Minnie are being distracted by Florida’s governor, Finland’s national animal, Otso the Big Brown Bear, is as contented as, well, a teddy bear in his lair.

I don’t pretend to know the secrets of a good public talk myself, but I have been in the company of good public talkers for many years and have learned a good deal from them. Here is a little of what I have learned.

The response to the recent pandemic was a collective learning experience on a global scale. Although the effects were world-wide, the response to the new contagion varied from region to region and nation to nation. From the draconian lockdowns in China to the moderate restrictions among liberty-loving Swedes, the world became a virtual laboratory for best and worse practices.

"In September of 2020, the city of Wilson [of about 50,000] embarked on a dramatic change. It eliminated its entire public bus system in one fell swoop and replaced it with an on-demand van transit system that gave residents flexible options for getting to work, school, or anywhere else in town.

We learn from declassified documents and an excellent article in The Week magazine, that back in 1961 a brave 25-year-old leader of an Air Force ordinance disposal team got an urgent call. Lt. Jack ReVelle was assigned the daunting task of finding and disarming two hydrogen bombs that fell from a B-52 bomber seconds before crashing in North Carolina.

Just as there is a vast difference between the comedian and the humorist, there is an equally vast difference between the opinion columnist and the journalist. But let me try to make my case.

As I wind down a gratifying career as an impressionist of Mark Twain, certain hilarious, if embarrassing, moments come to mind. Back in ’88, having discovered how much fun it can be to stop time and step into history, I accepted an invitation to the governor’s mansion to present, “Becoming Mark Twain.”

Fifty years ago or so, I cut a football in half (lengthwise), attached a chinstrap, and with the football atop my head, ran Maui’s, “First Annual Race to End the Arms Race,” as an MX Missile.

Friends who stop by Twain Haven are sometimes greeted by my pet Jay, Huckleberry, who just today learned another trick to get my undivided attention.

With the omnipresence of Artificial Intelligence or AI, I feel compelled to wrap myself in the 19th century, and make myself at home in the Sandwich Islands of 1866. Presently, I’m on my surfboard, along with a few Hawaiians, awaiting the perfect wave.

I’ve been contemplating possible new ventures to tackle when I retire, small businesses that do not require driving or flying, and I’d like to share them with you here.

What might be my favorite Christmas present I have yet to open. It‘s a gift from a young man I admire, Bryan, who has some issues to deal with in his daily life. You see, Bryan does not talk, or walk, but is a hidden treasure of Nevada history and folklore. And once science taps into his vault of knowledge we might be the first to get to read the next great Tahoe novel.

Nevada is a state of mind. Before you roll the dice, you say, “C’mon, Honey, Baby needs a new pair of shoes!” And everything outside of Las Vegas is Cowboy Nevada, except Incline Village, where we either have two homes or two jobs. Those with one job and one home are rare as a straight flush. I just happen to be one of those lucky boys to draw a straight flush.

News reporters tend to mingle with a wider variety of people than those in most other professions. I happen to know this because for 15 years before Mark Twain tapped me on the shoulder, I was a radio reporter, a malnourished profession at the time that I might have killed-off single-handedly.

Dateline, September, 2022: “Seventy-three-year-old Man Lands First Job - King of England.”

So, what do kings do, anyways? Well, we get an idea about what kings do in Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, when Huck and Jim are floating down the Mississippi on their raft.

Carson City are you tired of seeing our sagebrush decorated with plastic bags? I am!

It’s unimaginable to me that the United States uses 12 million barrels of oil every year to produce the 100 billion plastics bags we use in the United States every year.

I agree wholeheartedly with current complaints about smow removal/abatement in Carson City.

The ordinances are apparently not being enforced.I know this the Wild West but come on man. The city needs to enforce these ordinances on clearing sidewalks.I am originally from Green Bay Wisconsin, and if you do not get your sidewalk sholved whether business or private the city would clear it for you at like 1 a foot.

How many pedestrians must get injured or killed while walking the sidewalks here in Carson City? How many pedestrians will receive tickets for walking around the snow piles blocking sidewalks due to business allowing their contractors to do so? Lets look at the Carson City Ordinance first.

Mercury is in retrograde and will remain in retrograde until the 18th of January. So what does that mean? Well, three times a year, the planet Mercury appears to be floating backwards across the heavens. This mirage carries with it certain superstitions and suppositions that the same thing could be happening to your life, you could be living your life backwards.

Aunt Hazel asked me when I was two years old, “What do you want to be when you grow up, Honey?”

Without a moment’s hesitation I answered, “When I grow up I’m going to be a snowplow driver.”

Yes, everybody has a funny bone, and it’s the only bone in our body that gives us a longer life. Levity is a healer, and an essential melody of human conversation. In fact, if conversation is music, humor is its jazz.

Imagine the musical score that is the Looney Tunes bed for Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner, “Beep Beep!” By the way, Chuck Jones got his idea for that comic series from Mark Twain’s description of the Coyote and the Jackass Rabbit in his book, Roughing It.

This is the hardiest lot the world has ever seen. They are the whole-hearted few that see winter through up on the Comstock Lode. They are the squirrels that wear dusters. They make their money in the summer, then squirrel it away to see them through the long Comstock cold.

A multi-faith coalition of Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Jewish leaders is urging the nation’s largest coffeehouse chains to immediately stop charging extra for plant-based milk alternatives; calling it “unethical” and “unfair”.

Coffeehouse chains like Starbucks, Dunkin’, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Caribou, Dutch Bros, Biggby, Peet's, Human Bean, PJ's, etc., roughly charge on an average about 70¢ extra per cup when customer opts for plant-based milk-alternatives made of oat, soy, almond, coconut; in place of milk in their drinks.

It’s that time of year, the Carson City Assessors Office has mailed out the 2023 Tax Assessment Roll. Did you notice a big increase? The Assessors Office has been in the process of reappraising the city. This includes the use of high resolution aerial photography.

I was whistling, “Born to Lose,” while waiting to get my booster shot, and overheard a young passerby ask his mother, “Mom, why is that man whistling?”

One dazzling Tahoe day not long ago, my gaze fell upon a buttermilk sky, and suddenly, unexpectedly, I perceived time and space mutually, as one. I conjoined with those perfect balls of cotton and my body shook with awe. Wow!
My first thought was, “I’m going to take another run at Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.”

Should Herschel Walker win his Georgia U.S. Senate race Tuesday - it will be due to Governor Kemp's ground game. Couple that with Kemp defeating Trump's handpicked Spring '22 gubernatorial opponent, former U.S. Senator David Perdue, losing
by 50 points from Georgia primary nominating Republicans - Kemp could well been seen - more and more nationally, as the Republican who did the ultimate Trump checkmate, finally!

If so, could Kemp become the "traditional party renaissance" so critically needed for Republicans, rather than DeSantis and many other wannabes?

I’ll never forget the day Mrs. McQuitty appeared in our driveway. She climbed out of an old white Ford, and I’ve never liked Fords since. It was a Monday, and I’ve never liked Mondays since. I didn’t want to take piano lessons, but my parents made me. At 10 years old, all I wanted to do was to go swimming, and besides, piano lessons were for girls.

In full disclosure, I am a terrible cook, no, I am the worst cook in the western hemisphere. When I am left in charge of dinner, guests leave Layne Haven feeling confused and disoriented for several days. However, sometimes I forget how horrible a cook I am, and impulsively invite folks over to Twain Haven for one thing or another, and oh, dinner.